Weeklymomdates

The Guilt Of Raising A Rainbow Baby

baby

Hey, my name is India Potter from Indiana. I am a devoted wife and mother to one baby son in Heaven and one here on Earth. I currently run a blog and a podcast geared towards other women that have suffered the loss of their child. 

My Angel, Troy

On the 15th of February 2018, my world came crashing down. I had my glucose appointment that day and was feeling anxious about telling my OB my concerns. I hadn’t been feeling as much movement, but I chalked it up to new mom paranoia. The doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat, so she quickly had an ultrasound set up, where it was confirmed that my son, Troy, had passed away.  

You hear about how 1 in 4 women have suffered a loss, but society always makes it seem as though those losses only occur in the first trimester. Society makes it seem as though you have to wait until you are at least 12 weeks before announcing that you are expecting because it is deemed the safe zone. I was 26 weeks pregnant with Troy, so I naively thought that we were in the home stretch. My pregnancy had been pretty textbook, so I had no reason to believe that I would not be bringing home a baby in May.

My Rainbow, Silas

About five months after losing Troy, I got pregnant with my rainbow, Silas. A rainbow in the loss community is a child that is born after a loss or storm. I had extra monitoring throughout the pregnancy and was blessed to welcome him in April of 2019. Raising a rainbow can be another trigger for some, and there are certain moments that trigger me.

On one hand, you feel so grateful and blessed for the life that you have welcomed, but then on the other, you feel guilty because you know who is missing from your family. Silas’s first holidays were hard for me because I will never get to have any holidays with his brother. I will never get to see Troy hit any of the milestones, and so sometimes I feel guilty for being happy when Silas hits his.

Grief is not linear, and there is no proper way to grieve a loss. I think it is important for all of us to have these honest discussions with ourselves. You can be happy for your living child, and still mourn your angel baby. 

Support

If you are struggling with coping, please do not hesitate to reach out to someone in your community or you can reach out to me. 

India Potter

IG: potter_india

Blog: The life of troy’s mama.blog

Podcast: Parenting After Loss

Devotional: Stillbirth and Christ

A great book that I recommend reading to your rainbow baby is called, ” A Rainbow Baby Story“. It talks about having a rainbow baby after a miscarriage.


3 thoughts on “The Guilt Of Raising A Rainbow Baby

  1. I am so sorry for your loss — I can’t imagine what you are going through. You are so incredibly brave for sharing your story, though, so that others like you can know they’re not alone. Wishing you all the best love.

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